just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
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If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
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He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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