I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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