he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
