Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Randomize
