great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
