Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Im part way to drunk.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
