I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
