you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
