well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
