If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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