I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
