call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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