seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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