just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Randomize
