One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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