just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
