Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
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found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
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