i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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