Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
