I can tuck mytits in my pants
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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