Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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