Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
