I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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