please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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