So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
