I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
