You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Randomize
