I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
