i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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