I molested 6 butterflies tonight
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
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If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
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So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize