I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
