Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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