Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
