finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
