all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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