I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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