Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
