I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
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