i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I think I just sharted jello shots
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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