Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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