peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Randomize
