Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
