If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
