I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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