I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
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I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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