Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
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