So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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