an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Blood and glitter go together right?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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