Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
