I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
