Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
All the doctor said was why
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
