It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
