Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
